Tuesday, May 27, 2008


I hate cancer. I mean, I REALLY hate cancer. It seems like my life is full of it right now. I always get this way when it gets to be Summer MRI/Relay For Life time. It brings everything I've successfully buried (for 9 months out of the year) bubbling right back up to the surface.

Joshua has an MRI next month. Not that I'm expecting anything to be out of the ordinary with it, but I still always worry. And freak out. And cry when they sedate him. It literally drains all the life energy right out of me and I have to "recover" from it.

I have a very dear friend in Philadelphia. Her name is Aimee. Her daughter, Brianna, is literally 2 weeks younger than Joshua. She has a brain tumor. Her's is benign (not cancer), but a brain tumor, none the less. Her husband is Jim. He's a police officer. He has PMP, a rare form of cancer. Hospice has been called in and he's dying. They expect it to be over in less than a week. He's suffering and in pain, and is still holding on like hell because he doesn't want to leave his family.

I hate cancer. It's not fair. It takes good people away from their families. It strikes down innocent children. It has no regard for your circumstances in life. It doesn't care if you're a baby, or a father, or a mother, or a young child, or a grandparent. It doesn't matter.

Ugh. My stomach feels sick. I want to curl up into a ball and cry for a little bit. I'm having an actual physical reaction to it all... I just don't want to remember. Sometimes I think the Relay for Life is the worst kind of therapy for me. It's so very stressful and brings all that garbage up to the surface, and yet I can't stop doing it - I won't stop doing it. My son is healthy. It's been 4 years since his diagnosis! Our life doesn't revolve around cancer anymore, like so many others do. Well, at least not all year long. The next few months are going to be tough for me. But I'll be a stronger person because of them.

If you pray, please pray for Aimee and Miss B. I can't imagine how they will make it without Jim. I know that they will, but it won't be an easy task. Aimee is great. She was a Godsend when Joshua was sick. We have a lot in common, since our kids are so close in age, and it hurts my heart that she is going through this....

1 comment:

~Amber~ said...

Oh how very sad. I am praying hard for Aimee and Miss B. I hate cancer too. I lost my best friend at 16 due to brain cancer. I am worried someone else I love will get it...and I worry about it all the time. I will keep you and Josh in my thoughts and prayers too Amanda and if you need anything, let me know. HUGS!